Saturday, August 23, 2008

Tale of the Tape: Syracuse at Northwestern

Thats right, it is back! The one... the only... ToT. Its the sport of kings, better than diamond rings. Football, Wildcats as in NW, SUs first opponent of the year. So with a new season upon us, what will SU do? Well the question isnt what are we going to do, its what arent we going to do (like block, stop other teams, win). Lets get this thing started. The time for doing has begun.

Born on Date
NW: 1851 vs SU: 1870
Advantage: NW… which was founded to serve the people of the Northwest Territory, hence the name.

Side note: in 1933 the University of Chicago proposed merging the two schools to save costs. The NW campus would be used for undergrad and the Chicago for grad. However NW eventually turned that down.

Founded by? Anyone? Anyone?
NW: Methodists vs SU: Methodists
Advantage: Push… John Evans, who Evanston is named after, was one of the founders of NW. Then he became Govna of the Territory of Colorado, founding the University of Denver out there.

Speaking of Evanston...
GPS (location)
NW: Evanston vs SU: Syracuse
Advantage: NW... they have a tax exempt status and pay no property taxes to the city

Evanston is located on...
NW: Michigan vs SU: Onondaga
Advantage: NW… you can actually swim in it

Also on Lake Michigan is...
Major City
NW: Chicago vs SU: NYC
Advantage: NW… even though it is the 2nd city, NW is practically part of Chicago. SU is nowhere near NY, no matter how hard TGD tries to prove otherwise.

You can get around Chicago by using the...
NW: Purple Line of the El vs SU: Elmira Express Ernie Davis
Advantage: SU… lets see the Purple Line get a movie about it

Sticking with trains, as in minds....
NW: 12th vs SU: 53rd
Advantage: NW… WTF is happening to SU? It is bad enough that our sports have all hit the shitter. Do our academics need to too?

Communications School
NW: Medill vs SU: Newhouse
Advantage: SU… I dunno which is better but I do know we need a W somewhere

Some of those students run the...
School Paper
NW: Daily NW (1881) vs SU Daily Orange (1903)
Advantage: Push… I see both schools took a long time thinking up the name.

Sticking with names...
Team Name
NW: Wildcats vs SU: Orange
Advantage: NW... SU had its manhood taken away

A nickname often associated with ones manhood...
NW: Willie the Wildcat vs SU: Otto the Orange
Advantage: SU… Willie sounds like a better name for South Carolinas mascot

Also supporting the team is the...
Advantage: SU… our band hurts your ears only sumb of the time (that’s because they aren’t large enough to make a lot of noise), while NW’s band will leave you feeling numb. Thank goodness they arent expected to be around for our game.

Staying with numb, as in numbers...
All Time Wins
NW: 459 vs SU: 670
Advantage: SU… NW holds the all time record for Ls, points allowed, and point differential.

They have been losing since...
First Year FB
NW: 1876 vs SU: 1889
Advantage: NW... at least they have been playing real teams unlike our friends in Jersey

And more NW futility...
FB Streaks
NW: Losing (34 straight games, 23 straight seasons 1972-1994) vs SU Winning (15 straight seasons 1987-2001, 22 straight with .500 or better 1950-1971)
Advantage: SU… when they set the 34 game record in 1981 (losing 61-14 to Mich St), students rushed the field to celebrate, chanting “we’re the worst” and took down the goalposts.

Speaking of Mich St…
Hardest Loss
NW: 41-38 to Mich St in 2006 (biggest comeback in NCAA history) vs SU: Our Manhood (going from Orangemen to Orange)
Advantage: Push… there are no winners here. In that game NW was up 38-3 with under 10 min in the 3rd Q.

Mich State is a conf rival but not NWs...
Biggest Rival
NW: Illinois vs SU: PSU???
Advantage: NW… they play Illinois for the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk. Surprisingly NW only trails Illinois all time 44-52-5 and 28-33-2 since the Tomahawk was established. Also NW has played 8 teams (Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Mich, Minn, OSU, UP, and Wisc) more times than SU has played its “chief rival”.

And those teams play in the...
Founding Members of
NW: Big Ten vs SU Big East
Advantage: NW… can you try and sneak us in too? Please? BTW NW grads are likely the only ones in the B10 who can count to 11 and know how dumb a name the B10 is. In fact I once over heard a PSU grad saying that there are still 10 teams in the B10. They said that they play Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Mich St, Minn, Northwestern, Ohio St, Purdue, and Wisconsin. That equals 10.

Conf Championships
NW: 8 vs SU: 4
Advantage: SU… the BE hasnt been around as long oherwise we would have more. Even so we have more conf championships since 1936 (4 to 3) and NW had none from 1936-1995.

The conf champ goes to the BCS...
Bowl Record
NW: 1-5 vs SU: 12-9-1
Advantage: SU… NWs first Bowl game was the 1949 Rose Bowl. Michigan was the conf champ but the rule back then said a team couldn’t go consecutive years. So NW played instead. Otherwise they would be Bowless until 1995. Ironically the first Bowl was the only one they won. They upset an undefeated Cal team that was coached by Pappy Waldorf, who was NWs coach from 1935-1946.

Sticking with coaches...
Former HCs
NW: Ara Parseghian, Dennis Green vs SU: Ben Schwartzwalder, Coach Mac
Advantage: NW… although our coaches were more successful while coaching for SU than they were for NW, overall their coaches had more success. I wonder what Green thought about Da Bears back then? Ara is 3rd all time in Ws at NW with a 36-35-1 record.

Current Coach that used to play LB
NW: Pat Fitzgerlad vs SU: Dan Conley
Advantage: NW... well HC is > LB coach. Also Fitzgerald won the Nagurski and Bednarik awards as a player. Plus the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

Sticking with former players...
SB winning Giant
NW: Barry Coefield vs SU: David Tyree
Advantage: Push… we are all winners when the Giants are SB Champs. I wish this were a category every year.

Cleveland Brown Great
NW: Otto Graham vs SU: Jim Brown
Advantage: Push… Graham attended NW on a BBall schollie and was an All American in 1944. He also played 2 years of Baseball. Oddly he wore number 60 until the NFL put the rule in that linemen need to be numbers 50-79. His record with the Browns was 105-17-4, leading the team to 10 championship games in 10 seasons. He also played one season for the Rochester Royals (BBall), winning the league title.

All Pro Special Teamer
NW: Steve Tasker vs SU: David Tyree
Advantage: NW… Tyree deserves a second mention for The Catch but Tasker was the better STer.

Other Players of Note
NW: Paddy Driscoll, D’Wayne Bates, Napoleon Harris, Darnell Autry, Damien Anderson, Mike Adamle, Matt O’Dwyer, Luis Castillo, Barry Gardner vs SU: Donovan McNabb, Rob Moore, Joe Morris, Larry Csonka, Moose Johnston, Floyd Little, Jim Ringo, Tim Green, Ted Gregory
Advantage: SU… Driscoll is a HoFer, Autry finished 4th in the Heisman, and Adamle was host of American Gladiators but that still isn’t enough to beat out the SU players. Plus many more SU players of note were not mentioned above.

Both schools have former FB players that turned actors...
Original Gansta
NW: Fred The Hammer Williamson vs SU: Jim Brown
Advantage: NW… he still is getting work as an actor (Starsky and Hutch)

They mixed sports and entertainment which is now a specialty of...
ESPN Alumni
NW: J.A. Adande, Kevin Blackistone, Rich Eisen, Mike Greenberg, Brent Musburger, Rachel Nichols, Dave Revsine, Michael Wilbon vs SU: Matthew Berry, Sean McDonough, Dave Pasch, Dave Ryan, Jayson Stark, Mike Tirico
Advantage: SU… sorry but you gave the world Rachel Nichols and need to be punished. Not only does she have no talent, she is hard to look at. Damn HD.

Other Sports Alumni
NW: Luke Donald, Joe Girardi, Mark Loretta, Todd Martin, Debi Thomas vs SU: Melo, Dave Bing, Derrick Coleman, Rony Seikaly
Advantage: SU... we used to be a sports school

Sports Management Alumni
NW: Jerry Reinsdorf, Glen Grunwald vs SU: Al Davis, David Falk
Advantage: SU... with 2 of the most powerful people in sports

Sticking with power...
Political Alumni
NW: John Paul Stevens, William Jennings Bryan, Dick Gephardt, George McGovern, Adlai Stevenson vs SU: Al D'Amato, Joe Biden, Donna Shalala
Advantage: NW... they have bigger names. Although their guys often lose, just like NW FB

Sticking with failing...
Alumni that didn’t graduate
NW: Warren Beatty, Cindy Crawford, Jane Curtin, Shelley Long, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jerry Orbach, Tony Randall, Hugh Hefner, Patti Davis vs SU: Vanessa Williams, Lou Reed
Advantage: NW... that is a pretty nice list

Other Well known alumni
NW: Ana Gasteyer (SNL), Charlton Heston, Richard Kline (Larry from Threes Company), Seth Meyers (SNL), Stephanie March (Law & Order SVU), Garry Marshall (creator Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, directed Pretty Woman), Charlotte Rae (Mrs Garrett), Robert Reed (Mike Brady), Jeri Ryan, David Schwimmer, Jerry Springer, McLean Stevenson (Colonel Blake M*A*S*H), Arthur Anderson, Darren Rovell (CNBC), Charles Mayo (Mayo Clinic) vs SU: Stephen Crane, Marv Albert, Len Berman, Bob Costas, Ian Eagle, Marty Glickman, Megyn Kelly, Ted Koppel, Steve Kroft, Bob Shannon, Dick Stockton, Dick Clark, Taye Diggs, Peter Falk, Carl Gottlieb, Grace Jones, Lisa Lampanelli, Aaron Sorkin, Jerry Stiller
Advantage: SU... both are impressive lists but most of theirs are from SNL and that hasnt been funny in decades.

Fake Alumnus
NW: Jim Levenstein (American Pie) vs SU: Sonny Koufax (Big Daddy)
Advantage: SU… Koufax is a good egg. But he fights like a girl.

Sticking with Big Daddy...
Daily Show
NW: Stephen Colbert (NW Grad) vs SU: Jon Stewart (played SU grad in Big Daddy)
Advantage: NW... SU needs no association with the unfunny Stewart, even if it is a fake association

Speaking of fake...
NW: 2 BBall players convicted of fixing games in 1995 vs SU: MW allegedly cheated on tests
Advantage: Push… neither was a big deal since both programs sucked

But it doesnt look good for either school just like...
Bad Apple Prof
NW: Arthur Butz Holocaust denialist vs SU: Dr Boyce Watkins
Advantage: Push… there are no winners here.

Getting back to sports...
NW: never made NCAAs, last NIT 1999 vs SU: haven’t won a NCCA game since 2004
Advantage: SU… I thought we have had it bad the last few years.

A sport NW is actually good at...
Womens Lax
NW: 4 straight titles vs SU: Gait is our coach
Advantage: NW… but that wont be for very long

While we are on women (not literally)...
Alpha Phi
NW: headquarters are in Evanston vs SU: founded the sorority
Advantage: Push… the real winners are male students

Now lets put the women and children to bed and go lookin for dinner...
NW: Unos Grill vs SU: Dino BBQ
Advantage: Push... the winner here is our stomachs

After dinner we can have an...
Ice Cream Sundae
NW: Evanston claims invented vs SU: Ithaca, Buffalo, and NYC all claim invented
Advantage: SU... we have them outnumbered

Some people may top their sundae with marhsmallows, which NW students used to throw during FB games played at...
No one, and I mean no one, comes into our house and pushes us around (Home Field)
NW: Ryan Field (47150) vs SU: Carrier Dome (49500)
Advantage: SU… Ryan field was built in 1926. Before 1997 it was named Dyche Stadium. Parts of the Express were filmed there.

Other NW tradions include:
-Painting The Rock, a giant boulder used as a canvas/billboard
-Dance Marathon, a 30 hour dancing fundraiser. I think this started to Save Ferris.
-Primal Scream, 9pm the Sunday before finals students scream
-Dillo Day, an annual festival in May the Saturday after classes end. It started in 1972 and features an all day concert. I wonder when this takes place. Is it between classes and finals? Or do they stick around after finals?

Getting back to ice cream, my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw GRob at 31 Flavors last night. They said that SU maybe be running the...
NW: Spread (possibly hurry up) vs SU who knows (possibly the Spread)
Advantage: NW... somehow I have a feeling NW will be prepared for whatever O we run. I cant say the same about SU.

From Offense to Defense...
Bobby Boucher (best defender)
NW: John Gill vs SU: Art Jones
Advantage: SU... at least our guy will be playing

Which will effect the outcome and our record...
Head to Head
NW: 3 wins vs SU: 4 wins
Advantage: SU… hopefully it will become 5 or I will be feeling blue

Which is not a...
School Color
NW: Purple and White vs SU: Orange
Advantage: SU… purple? The only thing worse would be pink and green.

And finally this years category of the week...
I love the 80s (aka oh yeah I remember him)
NW: WR Curtis Duncan (1983-1986) vs SU: WR Rob Carpenter (1989-90)
Advantage: NW… both were in Super Tecmo Bowl. Duncan was almost impossible to get receptions for in that game as Hill, Givins, and Jeffires were the 3 best options. So Duncan was to the Oilers WRs as “that other guy” is to the Three Tenors.

There you have it folks, SU will pull out an extremely close high scoring game. And remember the numbers never lie. Enjoy the season cuz it goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Then again that could be a good thing if our team sucks. Until next time danke schon, baby, danke schon.


KAK said...

Great stuff! BTW, it's NU, not NW. NW is akin to people referring to SU as SC/SyraCuse.

Go Cats!

Look Good In Purple said...

Awesome stuff... and I second that motion... it is NU, not NW.

profzoom said...

Dillo Day doesn't conflict with finals at all. NU's on quarters, so they aren't until June.

Go Cats!

Anonymous said...


your blog came across my wife robin's google alerts because you used the term "tale of the tape." that term is copyrighted and trademarked by me and my company. i'm all for helping hte little guy, but not when he steals ideas from me. please change the title of your little post and come up with something original. i'll have to have my lawyer issue a cease and desist if you don't.


KingOttoIII said...

Ha. That is funny. "Tale of the Tape" originates from Boxing which has been around a wee but longer than Nick Bakay. Nice try though.

Anonymous said...

what's your email address or phone number so my lawyer can contact you?


KingOttoIII said...

Well why not post the terms of your copyright here so we all can have a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

since your ip address is coming from a ny fix computer ill assume that's where you work. certified letter on the way from my lawyer...


KingOttoIII said...

Yeah ok this is the real Nick Bakay. Like he would waste his time. Good try. BTW do you know the copyright laws? If you did you would know how silly you sound.

Anonymous said...

You forgot Ann-Margret and Cloris Leachman.

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